


The Face of Forgiveness

by Mnemosyne_Elegy



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Forgiveness, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-07 15:34:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16411184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mnemosyne_Elegy/pseuds/Mnemosyne_Elegy
Summary: Forgiveness isn't easy under the best of circumstances, and the situations Erza and Gray find themselves in are anything but ideal. Letting go is always a struggle, but maybe if they come together, they can help each other learn how to forgive the people who have hurt them the most.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story would be set shortly after Oración Seis. The first part focuses more on Erza and the second part is more about Gray. I personally like the second part better, but I'm also terribly biased because I love Gray XD

"What did I tell you about crying alone by the river?"

Erza's head jerked upwards in surprise and she twisted around to see Gray standing behind her, his hands buried in his coat pockets as he stared down at her. She quickly swiped away her tears and offered him a wobbly smile.

"Not to do it."

"Mm."

Gray took a few quick steps forward so that he was standing directly beside her and then dropped to the ground unceremoniously. Erza twisted back around so that she was facing the river once more, sighing in relief now that she didn't have to crane her neck to look up at her friend. The two sat in companionable silence for a few more seconds before Gray looked away from the river and locked gazes with Erza.

"I thought I told you to stop trying to hide your pain. You don't have to deal with everything alone when you have friends."

Erza let her gaze drift away so that she didn't have to see the quiet intensity in Gray's eyes. "I know. I just…I guess it just feels like this is something you wouldn't understand."

Gray sighed, and when she looked back at him she realized that his face had taken on a weary cast.

"Try me," he offered. "You don't know how much a person understands until you give them a chance."

She hesitated. She knew that Gray had suffered quite a bit in his lifetime and had experienced unimaginable pain—perhaps even more pain than she herself had—but she wasn't sure that he would understand this particular brand of pain. This strange mixture of betrayal, longing, failure, nostalgia, need…It was something she didn't think most people could comprehend.

"This is about Jellal, isn't it?" Gray said when she didn't respond right away. She grimaced faintly. "You've been horribly out of sorts ever since he was taken to prison. Now, if all you were upset about was that he's been taken away and likely locked up for life, you wouldn't be so convinced that no one understood your feelings. So it must be something more, but I'd bet it has to do with Jellal.

"You know, it's easy to say that no one understands you when you don't bother trying to explain things to them. If no one understands you, it's because you won't let them. Tell me what's bothering you, Erza. I think you'll find that the world is a much less lonely place when you let someone else in."

Erza smiled ruefully. There was a lot of truth in what Gray was saying, but she still wasn't quite sure that he would really be able to understand the jumble of emotions that overtook her every time she thought of Jellal, or even the importance of the current problem at hand. Especially considering the ice mage's intense dislike of her childhood friend.

"Are you sure that you aren't just going to tell me to let him go?" she asked softly, looking out over the river's sparkling waters. "I know that you and the others don't particularly like him."

Beside her, Gray shifted positions slightly and let out a breath. "No, I don't care for him overmuch. He made you cry and he hurt you terribly, perhaps more than any other person has ever hurt you. But he's an important person to you, and you're an important person to me. You see, it doesn't matter whether or not I like him. I like  _you_  and if you need him to make you happy, then I'll be willing to overlook my dislike of him in favor of my consideration for you."

Erza bit her lip and fought back fresh tears. Perhaps she wasn't giving him enough credit, because he always seemed to have the right words to make her feel better when she was hurting. It really was unfair of her to accuse him of being unable to understand her when he was trying so hard and she was refusing to let him in. He had helped her so many times before that she felt she owed him something, so she would do as he asked and give him a chance.

"You're right. I'm sorry for thinking so poorly of you."

"It's alright, Erza," he reassured her quietly. "I'm just trying to help. Let me help you."

She took a deep breath and started talking. "Well, you're right in that this is all about Jellal. When we were children in the Tower of Heaven, we relied on each other. We cared for each other and looked out for each other, and I really did look up to him. And then…he changed, you know? One day he was my best friend and the next he was my worst nightmare. That betrayal was terrible and it devastated me, but at least it was just a simple betrayal. There was a clear separation between who he had been and who he currently was. I could be upset over the friend I lost but still hate the person he became. And I thought that it was all over when he supposedly died after the Etherion explosion."

Erza took a shuddering breath and squeezed her eyes shut, tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes and slipping soundlessly down her cheeks despite her best efforts to contain them. She could still vividly remember the pain of Jellal's betrayal and the anguish of his 'death', which had signaled that the person he had once been was irrevocably lost to her. There had no longer been any chance that she could find a way to change him back to who he had been, and although his death had been painful, the finality of it had also been something of a release for her.

She opened her eyes as cool skin skimmed across her fingers. Gray's hand brushed hers in a comforting gesture for just a moment, before it dropped to the ground again. His dark eyes were sympathetic and understanding, and the depth of his care for her made her want to cry again. Instead, she offered him a wobbly smile and kept talking.

"And now I find out that he's actually somehow alive again, and he's more like the person I knew as a child. I mean, his memories are gone, but he was so kind and caring again, and it was almost like I got my friend back. But at the same time, I can still remember all the horrible things he's done, even if he can't. I really am upset that he got taken to prison because I really do want him to stay with me so that we can work things out and move on.

"And yet…I can't just forget what he did to me and my friends, even if he isn't exactly that same person anymore. I feel like I  _should_ be able to just forgive everything since he's so different now, but I can't just let go of it so easily. I've been trying and trying to forgive him, but even though I desperately want him back, I can't quite manage it. I still care about him and I still need him, but I can't trust him the same way I did before. In order to really feel at peace with myself and with him, I feel like I need to be able to forgive him completely. I  _want_ to forgive him. But…I've been trying, and I'm not sure that I can do it by myself."

She looked over at Gray with haunted eyes. "Tell me, Gray, what do you know of forgiveness?"

Her tone took on a pleading edge as she stared at him, a glimmer of hope welling inside her. She needed him to tell her how to move on when she couldn't seem to do it by herself. She still wasn't completely convinced that he would understand all the things she felt for Jellal or her desperate need to forgive him, but perhaps he could offer her  _something_.

Gray let out a harsh bark of laughter and his eyes darkened as he looked away to gaze out at the river again.

"What do I know of forgiveness?" he repeated softly, his voice almost amused but also slightly bitter. "Is this what you thought I wouldn't understand, Erza? That I wouldn't understand the difficulty of fully forgiving someone who has wronged you but who you still desperately need to love?"

Erza flinched back, a stricken expression on her face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean–"

"It's okay. I understand." Gray's voice softened and mellowed out, the bitterness fading away. He glanced back at her and offered her a melancholy smile.

Erza relaxed a little as she realized that whatever he was angry at wasn't her. She hadn't meant to insinuate that he wouldn't understand forgiveness. It was more that she wasn't sure he could understand what it felt like to struggle to forgive someone who quite literally couldn't remember what they had done and had pretty much changed into another person altogether. In addition, she wasn't sure that he would comprehend how much she  _needed_ to forgive Jellal and how much of a failure she felt like when she couldn't quite do it.

Gray sighed quietly. "I understand what it feels like when someone you're extremely close to suddenly turns on you and rips your heart out. I understand how it feels when they try to make it up to you and you want to forgive them and let them back in because you still need them and you're hurting yourself by being unable to look past the things they've done. I understand that even when you care about them deeply and want to forgive them, you still can't bring yourself to fully trust or forgive.

"Because every time you look at their face, you see all of their past wrongs written there, overlaid on the person they are now. And even when just the sight of them makes you want to smile because you still care about them, you can still see the traces of your demons in their eyes. You want to be able to look at them and not see your pain and betrayal reflected there, but no matter how hard you try, there's something in their face that holds you back and refuses to allow you to completely let go of everything bad they've done. And you feel terrible because you  _should_ be able to let it all go but you can't. It feels like you've failed because you can't bring yourself to really see them the way you saw them before they hurt you.

"No, I've never been in quite your situation, but I think that I have a pretty good understanding of at least some of what you're going through."

Erza blinked at him, hardly daring to even breathe until he finished talking. Gray lapsed into silence and stared out pensively at the swirling waters, a faraway look in his eyes. Erza let out a breath and studied him for a few moments. Yes, she could believe that he understood now. His words had a quiet certainty that spoke of recognition and comprehension, and he had done a good job of describing some of the things she had been feeling. In fact, it sounded as if he had a Jellal of his own in his life, although she didn't know who that might be. She considered it for a few moments before coming up with a guess. Before she could ask, he added something else.

"But then again, there's someone I've never been able to forgive no matter how hard I tried, so perhaps I'm not the best person to be giving you advice," he said quietly, his eyes never straying from the river.

Erza frowned at that last comment. It seemed to invalidate her previous guess, but she had to ask anyway. "Are you talking about Lyon?" she asked curiously. "I thought you forgave him."

Gray glanced back at her, a startled and confused look in his eyes. Then he tilted his head to one side and his expression took on a contemplative edge as he seemed to consider her words.

"Lyon? Hm…" He considered it for a moment longer before nodding slowly. "Yes, there are some similarities between what happened with Lyon and what happened with Jellal, I suppose," he mused. "But you're right—I forgave him a long time ago."

Erza's frown deepened. His surprised reaction made it clear that Lyon wasn't who he had had in mind. She didn't know who else he could be talking about.

"Who is it that you can't forgive then?" she questioned. Perhaps if he could tell her more about how he himself dealt with a situation similar to her own, it would give her insights into how to handle her current problem with Jellal.

A hint of bitter amusement touched his face as his mouth curled upwards into a sardonic half-smile. "No one terribly important," he said, the mildness of his voice in sharp contrast with the bitterness in his eyes.

Erza was dying to question him further, but something in his expression told her that she wouldn't be able to coax anything more out of him on this topic.

"Alright," she said with a sigh. "But if you really have had a similar experience as me and you've also been able to forgive other people like Lyon, could you help me? I just…I need to be able to forgive Jellal as completely as possible. It's not fair that I look at him and see the boy who tore my life apart and the man who killed Simon and brainwashed my friends. I mean, he's a different person now. But I don't–I don't understand how to let that go."

Gray's expression softened once more as he searched her face. Then he looked back out at the river as he considered her request. "Well, I don't know how much help I'll be, but I suppose that the least I can do is try. At this particular moment there are three main things I can think of that are important for forgiveness." He began dissecting the problem clinically, his voice emotionless and detached.

"First, the person you're trying to forgive must recognize that they were wrong, and they need to try to change their ways and make things up to you. I think that this might be where you're having the most trouble, because Jellal can't actually do that right now. He knows that he did terrible things, but he can't remember them. He might be sorry, but does he even know what he's sorry for? He changed, yes, but that change was caused by outside factors beyond his control and not by a conscious effort. Is it fair to blame a man for things he can't remember? Yet how can you forgive someone who hasn't recognized how they hurt you? That's something you'll have to figure out how to reconcile. Now, if we're using Lyon as an example then you can see how this  _should_ work, under normal circumstances. He realized that he made a terrible mistake when he resurrected Deliora and he recognized that his actions hurt me. And I'm sure you can see how he has changed from Galuna Island. That made it easier for me to let go of what he did.

"Now, the second thing is that you have to realize that the person you're trying to forgive has both bad  _and_ good qualities," he continued, dropping his hand to idly swirl his fingers in the river. "It's easy to get caught up in how they hurt you and in all the things they've done wrong. If you really want to forgive them, you have to recognize that they have good qualities too, the same as anyone else. I don't think that you're having a problem with that. You remember all the good qualities Jellal had as a child, and you've seen his better side coming through now that he isn't burdened by his past. I had something similar with Lyon, since I could remember how close we were as children and how much he meant to me before we had our break. He made some pretty awful mistakes, but when he's started showing his better side again. He can be annoying and stubborn, but he's also loyal to a fault and always ends up treating me like family when I'm around. Because I keep in mind his better characteristics, it makes it easier to forgive him for his worse ones."

He paused and seemed to be lost in thought as he stared at his pale fingers drifting in the clear water. Erza waited for him to continue, but soon grew impatient. She was eager to hear the rest of his advice, and didn't want to deal with delays.

"And the third thing?" she prompted.

Gray let out a breath and withdrew his hand from the river, drying his wet fingers on his pants. He tilted his head upwards to study the slowly darkening sky.

"The third thing," he began, still not looking at her, "is that you have to remember that  _you_ have both good and bad qualities as well. It's easy to blame other people for their mistakes and shortcomings when you conveniently forget about your own problems. Recognizing your own flaws and mistakes makes it easier to forgive other people for theirs. No one's perfect. If you want a second chance after you screw up, it makes sense that you'd give other people second chances as well. The thing that made it the easiest for me to forgive Lyon was recognizing that I was partially at fault as well. I've made mistakes, and some of those mistakes started a chain reaction that was at least partially responsible for Lyon's poor decisions. I'm not saying that you've made mistakes anywhere near as terrible as Jellal's, but it's easier to forgive when you remember how imperfect you are."

He finished speaking and silence fell over the duo for a few minutes as Erza mulled over his advice. She knew that she wasn't perfect and she could bring to mind any number of mistakes and character flaws that had plagued her over the years. Perhaps keeping those in mind would help her have an easier time forgiving Jellal for what he had done, but she had to agree with Gray that it was the first point that was the real issue here. She knew her own flaws and she knew Jellal's good side, but it was the memory thing that was causing problems. It might not be fair to blame Jellal for something he couldn't remember, but it was also difficult to let go of what he had done when he couldn't really understand it. She felt that she needed him to understand how he had hurt her in order for her to really find closure.

She sighed as she studied Gray's profile. He had so neatly summarized the things that she should do that everything seemed so simple, even though she knew it wasn't.

"You make it sound so easy," she said wistfully. "I don't understand how you have such an easy time forgiving everyone."

Because, despite his assertion that there was one person he was unable to fully forgive, Gray had always been a rather forgiving person. He was always quick to excuse others for their mistakes when they hurt him and he didn't hold grudges against them. Erza could be forgiving for smaller issues as well, but she had nothing on him. Gray could hold grudges against people if they hurt his friends, but he was almost always quick to forgive anyone who hurt him. She didn't understand how he could do it so easily.

He looked over at her again, that startled light flashing in his eyes once more. His lips twitched upwards into a sardonic half-smile again. "Easy?" he asked dryly. "No one ever said it was easy. No, forgiveness is rarely easy. And if, as you claim, I have an easier time forgiving people, then perhaps it's just because I'm more aware of my mistakes and flaws and have a lot more to go around.

"Easy." He snorted derisively and shook his head. "I'm sure you've realized by now that forgiveness can be far from easy. Just because you're having a difficult time doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong or that you're failing. It just means that you're human."

Erza bit her lip as they met and held each other's gazes. She could see the sense in everything he was saying and she could take comfort from his reassurances, but that didn't stop her from feeling like a failure.

"I just…I guess I knew that it wouldn't be easy. But all this time I've been trying so hard to forgive and forget, and I just can't do it. I guess it feels like I'm failing because I still haven't been able to forgive him completely, despite how much I care about him. And I'm scared, because I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to."

She turned her head away, but Gray reached out and grasped her chin, gently twisting her head back around so that she was looking into his eyes again.

"Your first problem," he said quietly, "is that you should never forgive and forget. If you forget, you'll end up like Jellal is now, your relationships only hollow imitations of what they once were. It's forgive but not forget, Erza. It's possible to forgive someone without forgetting or ignoring the things they did to hurt you. Relationships are built off the good  _and_  the bad. Taking out all the mistakes and fights and betrayals will completely change the dynamic of a relationship. My friendship with Lyon would be very different today if I chose to completely ignore what he did on Galuna. He made a mistake and we both overcame it, and that altered our relationship. It's not necessarily any better or worse, but it  _is_ different. You have a right to remember how Jellal hurt you, even if you do find a way to forgive him."

Gray sighed and leaned back, although he kept his eyes fixed on Erza. "Secondly, you're calling yourself a failure way too soon. No wonder people have such a hard time forgiving others when they don't understand what forgiveness really is. Forgiveness isn't just some end product. Forgiveness is a  _process_. It doesn't happen in a day—it's something that you work on, for days, months, years, a lifetime. You feel like a failure because you haven't been able to completely forgive Jellal yet, but you aren't looking at any of your successes. Haven't you come closer to forgiving him today than you were a few weeks ago? Or a few years? Forgiving him might be something you have to work at for the rest of your life, and that's okay. Forgiveness isn't a 'yes or no' kind of thing. It's not like you'll wake up one day a year from now and realize that you've suddenly forgiven Jellal. You've already started forgiving him. Perhaps you haven't been able to forgive him  _completely_ yet—and perhaps you never will—but you've begun forgiving bits and pieces. That's an accomplishment in and of itself."

Erza stared at him speechlessly, turning over his words in her mind. Everything he said seemed so well thought out that she had to assume that the topic of forgiveness was something he had spent quite some time considering before. His insights had to come from a great deal of previous introspection and thought, and she was grateful for them. He had said a lot of helpful and encouraging things, but she chose to latch on to the idea of forgiveness as a process.

She had begun to suspect that her need to fully forgive Jellal might turn out to be impossible, and that had made her feel horrible about herself. But here was Gray saying that it was okay because she had at least partially forgiven him and was learning how to forgive him more and more each day. Put like that, the progress she had made so far seemed more like an accomplishment than a reminder that she hadn't been able to reach the end goal.

"I suppose you're right," she said finally. "I think that this talk has actually helped a lot, so thank you for that. And thank you for coming to find me again."

Gray's eyes softened as he relaxed and gave her a crooked smile. "Of course. Anything for you, Erza," he responded fondly.

She smiled back. He always was taking care of her, and that was something she would always be grateful for.

"And if I can do anything for you in return…"

He chuckled softly and his smile widened. "Anything?"

Erza was immediately suspicious, and narrowed her eyes at him. "Anything within reason," she clarified, her tone cautious.

Gray's grin softened at the edges and melted into a warm smile. "Well, there  _is_ something you can do for me."

"What is it?" she asked, still wary.

"I want you to promise me that you'll stop hiding out here and crying alone when you're upset. Next time you have a problem, come to me or one of the others instead of just assuming that we won't understand you. Even if you don't want to tell us all the details—or even what the problem is—just come to us so that you aren't all alone."

Erza swallowed hard and looked at the ground as tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. "Yeah," she rasped. "I'll try."

"All I ask is that you remember that you aren't alone," he told her in a quiet voice. "You don't have to face everything by yourself. Even if we can't solve your problems for you, we can still stand by you every step of the way. Alright?"

Erza gave him a wavering smile through the silent tears dripping down her face. "Alright," she agreed in a whisper.

Gray gently wiped away her tears with his thumb, his skin cool against her cheek. Then he stood in one fluid motion and leaned down as he reached out a hand to her. She grasped it in one of her own and he pulled her up easily. Once she was on her feet, he gave her a lopsided smile.

"I never like to see you cry, but if you  _do_ have to cry, make sure that you aren't crying out here by yourself." He glanced back towards the guild, squinting slightly into the slowly darkening dusk. "Now, what do you say we leave this old river behind?"

Erza looked up at him. "As long as you come with me."

His smile didn't waver. "Always."


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The timeline is a little fluid here, but this would take place a few weeks or so after the first part.

"Come  _on_! My rent is due in mere days!" Lucy wailed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "We need to go on a job  _now_!"

Natsu leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms, looking superbly unconcerned by her dramatics. "No can do, Luce."

"But why?" she asked, scowling at him in irritation.

Natsu's face bore only a polite disinterest, but his eyes were slightly narrowed as he stared past Lucy towards the entrance of the guild hall, which was directly opposite him.

"Because the ice princess still hasn't shown up yet. Not much fun going on a job without the whole team," he said mildly.

Lucy frowned over at him. "I guess, but you and I have gone on jobs by ourselves before. And I  _really_  need rent money. We could always go do a quick job now, and he can come on the next one with us."

Natsu glanced over at her, and there was a slight restlessness lurking in his eyes. "It's after noon, Lucy."

She blinked at him. "So?"

Erza looked over from where she had been listening to their conversation a short distance away. "I know it's odd, but there are any number of reasons he might not have come in yet," she reasoned.

"Yeah, well I have a bad feeling about it," Natsu grumbled, his sharp gaze locking on the doorway again.

Erza sighed. She had to agree with him. Gray was an early riser and always very punctual, so he should have been here for hours already. It was true that he could have a perfectly valid reason for being so late, but she also knew that Natsu had good instincts. The dragon slayer had grown more quiet and tense as the day wore on, and he had spent the last hour or so with his eyes more or less glued to the entrance of the guild hall.

"Well, let's give him a couple more hours before we panic and assume that something's going on," she said.

Natsu nodded once, but remained restless. Finally picking up on the tense atmosphere, Lucy refrained from pestering them to go on a job with her. The trio remained relatively quiet as they waited, even as the normal bustle of the guild raged around them. Erza obtained a glass of water from Mira and sipped at it slowly as she considered Gray's absence. She wasn't really worried that he was in danger or anything, but she wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't come to the guild yet because he was upset over something.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't see the newcomer at first. Natsu was the first to notice since he was still watching the doorway.

"What are you doing here?" he asked suddenly.

Erza looked up quickly, her eyes darting to the guild's entrance as Natsu's voice jerked her out of her thoughts. She frowned as she saw that Lyon had just walked into the guild. She couldn't think of any good reason why he would be here now.

He didn't respond at first, just glancing around the room as if searching for someone, before shrugging.

"He's not here then?" he asked, although it didn't really sound like a question. He didn't seem surprised.

Natsu's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What did you–?"

"No," Erza interrupted, throwing Natsu a warning look. "He hasn't come in all day. Is something wrong?"

Lyon sighed and walked over to the table she and Lucy were sitting at. He sat down next to them, and after a moment Natsu sat as well, still watching the newcomer suspiciously.

"Today is the anniversary of Ur's death," Lyon said finally, grimacing faintly at the table's surface.

Erza let out her breath with a soft hiss. That would explain Gray's absence for sure.

"Well, damn," Natsu muttered. "I told you something was wrong."

"Oh no, should we go after him?" Lucy asked, her eyes wide. "I mean, he shouldn't really be alone, right?"

Lyon shook his head sharply. "Let him be. He's always liked to deal with things alone and he doesn't like being around other people when he's upset."

Natsu scowled but nodded in agreement.

"So what should we do then?" Erza asked. She studied Lyon. "What are  _you_  going to do?"

"I'm going to sit here and wait for him," Lyon answered flatly. "And if he doesn't come back today, I'll track him down at his flat later. He doesn't always like being hunted down, but he'll come back when he's ready."

Erza shifted restlessly but nodded her agreement. After a few moments of tense silence, Lucy valiantly tried to start up a conversation and didn't give up until she had gotten both Natsu and Lyon talking. Erza watched them a few minutes longer before standing up and walking away while they were distracted.

"Where are you going, Erza?" Natsu called after her, not fooled by her sly attempt to escape unnoticed.

She glanced back and smiled at him reassuringly. "I'll be back soon. Don't mind me."

She was already out the door and halfway down the street before they realized that she had never answered the question.

Erza walked down the street at a brisk pace, turning her head from side to side as she searched for Gray. She didn't know exactly where he was, but she did know that he had a penchant for wandering the streets when he was upset. She knew that Lyon and Natsu were right about Gray preferring to be alone when he was unhappy, but if he didn't want her to come after him, he shouldn't always be coming after her. It was rather hypocritical of him to tell her not to cry alone and insist on handling her problems by herself, when he turned around and did the exact same thing. Before, he had always been the one to track her down when she was upset and hiding by herself, and now it was her turn to do the same for him.

She combed the streets for a good half hour before she finally spotted a glimpse of raven hair and pale skin through a break in the crowd. Busy passersby immediately concealed him from view again, but Erza was convinced that it had been her missing friend. She worked her way over to the other side of the street and nodded to herself as Gray came into view.

Then she frowned. Gray was standing motionless on the sidewalk outside a shop, staring through the window blankly. It was odd behavior, and she didn't know what to make of it. Walking up behind him, her eyebrows inched upwards as she realized that this was a dress shop, of all things.

"I never took you for a window shopper," she said mildly.

Gray jerked back in surprise and turned to face her. "Erza? What are you doing here?"

She moved up beside him. "Trying to figure out why you're so interested in dresses."

"Huh?" A bewildered expression crossed his face and he looked back at the window, his eyes widening slightly. "Oh," he said, blinking at the frilly dresses as if noticing them for the first time.

Erza frowned faintly as she peered into the window as well, trying to figure out what he had been looking at since it seemed like he hadn't been interested in the dresses after all. She didn't see anything that should have engrossed him so completely, so she gave up the search. She started to turn away so that she could chew him out for his hypocritical behavior and then try to get him to talk about his feelings, but as she was twisting her head away, she noticed something and paused.

She leaned forward a little, staring at her pale face reflected in the glass. Beside her, Gray's drawn face was reflected as well, and Erza had a sudden flash of insight as she recalled something he had once said to her.

"It's you, isn't it?" she breathed, the words pouring out before she had time to really think about them. She turned back to face him, a nauseous feeling settling in her stomach as she studied his face.

"What's me?" he asked, confusion clouding his features once more.

"The person you can't forgive."

He didn't respond immediately. Erza stared into those fathomless dark eyes until he sighed and closed them. He rubbed at his face for a second before dropping his hand and opening his eyes again. He stared down at her, his face suddenly expressionless.

"Walk with me," he said finally.

Without waiting for a response, he turned and began walking away down the street, his hands jammed into his coat pockets once more. Taken by surprise, Erza hurried after him, slowing to a more normal pace as she pulled up beside him. Gray's eyes were fixed on the ground several feet ahead of them, and they walked in silence for several long minutes. Erza briefly considered what she could say to him, but decided that she was content to wait for him to speak first.

"It's the anniversary of Ur's death today," he said eventually, not looking at her.

"I know," she replied quietly. That startled a reaction out of him, and he glanced over at her in surprise. She hurried to clarify. "Lyon told us."

"Lyon? He's here?" Gray asked, something Erza couldn't read coloring his voice.

"Yeah," she answered. "He's waiting for you in the guild hall."

Gray's lips tightened into a faint grimace as he looked away again. "Ah."

"Don't you want to go see him while he's here?" she asked curiously.

"Later," he said shortly, with a sharp shake of his head.

They lapsed into silence once more, until Erza was afraid that she was losing ground again.

"Where are we going?" she asked after the silence had stretched on a little too long. She was trying to coax him into talking since he didn't seem inclined to tell her much of anything at the moment.

"Hm?" He tore his eyes away from the ground and glanced around them. "Nowhere, really. I'm just walking. You know, sometimes your feet will take you right where you need to go if you let them do their job without interference. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I need to be, but maybe I'll end up there anyway."

Erza blinked up at him. "Someone's waxing philosophic today."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, offering her a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "I suppose it's one of those days."

"It's alright," she assured him quickly. "You were rather philosophical when we were talking about forgiveness the other day too, and that ended up helping me out." She gave him a reproachful look. "And I  _do_  recall that one of the things you said was that I shouldn't be trying to handle everything alone, and that I shouldn't hide from my friends when I'm hurting."

Gray picked up the meaningful tone and sighed. "Yes, being hypocritical has always been one of my greatest faults. I can give out advice, but I can't always follow it myself."

"Including your advice on forgiveness?" she ventured.

His gaze wandered off to the side. "Especially that."

Erza hesitated. She knew that he didn't particularly want her to pry, but there was no way in hell she was going to leave things like this.

"Is this about Ur?"

He winced automatically. "In a way, I suppose so. It started there and then kept right on snowballing."

Erza almost asked him for clarification, but stopped herself. She had a pretty good idea of what he meant. His inability to forgive himself might have stemmed from what happened to his master, but she imagined that once he found himself unable to forgive himself for one thing, he started having more and more trouble forgiving himself for the smaller things that came afterwards too.

It really wasn't fair, she reflected. Gray's advice on forgiveness had really helped her over these past few weeks. She couldn't say that she had totally forgiven Jellal yet, but she was a lot closer than she had been before Gray had found her at the river. It was sad that Gray could help her so much but be unable to help himself. Perhaps she could do something instead.

"Well, you acknowledged your mistake and know what you did wrong. And I'd say that you've worked pretty damn hard to make up for it," she mused thoughtfully.

Gray glanced over at her and arched an eyebrow. "Are you parroting my own advice back to me?" he asked dryly.

"Well, you said that you couldn't take your own advice," she said with a shrug. "Maybe it will help if someone else gives it to you instead."

He stared at her for a moment before shaking his head and smiling faintly. "I appreciate the sentiment."

But this wasn't just a sentiment. Erza had every intention of making this work and she was going to help him the same way he had helped her. She had thought over his advice quite a bit since they had talked, so she remembered it quite well. Maybe she could use it to help him.

"The second thing," she continued relentlessly, "is that you have to recognize that you've done good things and have good qualities too. That you're more than your mistakes."

"Mhm," he hummed. "I see you remember."

Erza wasn't going to be deterred. "So?"

"So what?" he asked.

"What are some good things you've done? What are some of your good qualities?" She watched him carefully, but he had tilted his head so that his eyes were shadowed and unreadable. She got the impression that his gaze was unfocused and that he wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings, but she couldn't be sure.

"I know that I have my positives," he said eventually.

"That's not a real answer," she argued. "Tell me something concrete."

Gray didn't answer for a few minutes.

"Well…I'm strong…" He spoke the words slowly, as if testing them as he uttered them. His voice lilted upwards slightly at the end, making his statement sound almost like a question. The hesitant, almost questioning, tone persisted as he continued speaking. "And I've helped Fairy Tail in a lot of our fights. And…and…I'm…"

He sighed harshly and ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know, Erza. Ask me tomorrow. I know I have a lot of good qualities, but it's hard to remember them all on a day like this."

Erza's heart twisted painfully at the sight of her normally confident and self-assured friend reduced to this tentative wreck. She knew that he was usually a lot more self-confident, but she supposed that he was too busy reliving his failures to really believe in his successes right now.

"Let me look at you." She reached over and pulled his face towards her so that he was finally looking at her again. Narrowing her eyes contemplatively, she studied his startled features.

The duo paused in the middle of the street, ignoring irritated pedestrians as they stared at each other. After a moment, Erza nodded sharply and released him. She started walking again and, after a brief pause, Gray followed suit.

"When I look at you, I see someone who tries to hide his emotions and play it cool but is still always the first to stand up for the people he cares about. I see someone who is one of the toughest people I've ever met but who can still be gentle and caring when he needs to be. I see someone who is loyal to a fault and who will fight to the bitter end for the people he loves and the causes he deems important."

She sighed and tilted her face upwards as she walked so that the afternoon breeze brushed against her face and tugged at her scarlet hair. "I see one of the best friends I've ever had and one of the best friends that many other Fairy Tail mages have ever had as well. I see someone who's always trying to help other people with their problems instead of taking care of himself. I see someone who always puts his friends first, and someone who is currently having a hard time seeing how much everyone cares about him."

Gray didn't say anything for a moment, but Erza could feel him staring at her. Glancing over, she confirmed that his dark eyes were indeed locked on her face.

"I wish that I could see all the things you see," he said finally.

She sighed softly. "The third thing," she continued in a quiet voice as she looked away, "is that you have to be able to recognize your own imperfections and mistakes. I don't think you're having a problem with that one. That's why you can't see the things we see, isn't it? Because you're having a hard time seeing past your mistakes."

She could still remember the poignancy of something he had said when they had last talked down at the riverbank:  _"Because every time you look at their face, you see all of their past wrongs written there, overlaid on the person they are now…You want to be able to look at them and not see your pain and betrayal reflected there, but no matter how hard you try, there's something in their face that holds you back and refuses to allow you to completely let go of everything bad they've done."_

"Something like that," he murmured.

She looked back over at him. "I told you what I see when I look at you. Now tell me, Gray, what do  _you_ see when you look at yourself?"

His shoulders slumped a little as he considered her question. Then he turned away from her and paused for just a second to stare at his reflection in the window of a shop they were passing. His pale fingers skimmed the glassy surface as he ran his hand along the window with an almost wistful gentleness.

"I see the face of the angry, self-destructive boy who killed his master," he said quietly.

His fingers dropped away from the glass and he slipped his hand back into his pocket as he continued walking on. Erza remained motionless, staring at her own reflection in the window. She didn't understand how someone could live their life always seeing their past mistakes every time they looked at their face. She had gone through her own share of self-blame and self-doubt after she had abandoned her childhood friends in the Tower, but she had also been able to move past that, more or less.

She twisted so that she was looking after Gray's retreating form. He was walking at a leisurely pace, but he wasn't waiting for her. No, Gray had never been one for waiting. He would take care of himself and run himself into the ground before asking for help. If Erza wanted to help him, she would have to follow him and catch him herself.

She followed him quickly and didn't slacken her brisk pace until she was walking beside him again.

"You were just a kid," she said quietly.

Gray's lips twisted into a bitter smile. "Just because I was a kid doesn't mean I was completely stupid. You think I didn't know that going after Deliora was a fool's quest? A suicide mission? I was angry enough and grief-stricken enough that I didn't care." He blew out a harsh breath. "But I was the only one who was supposed to get hurt. Ur shouldn't have even been there, but she came after me."

Erza hesitated, unsure of how to proceed. She needed a way to erase some of that bitterness and self-loathing. She needed him to be okay.

"Before Ur's death, you were angry at Deliora, right? Because it killed your family?"

He shrugged, his gaze still fixed on the ground. Erza wondered how he could tell where he was going when he was ignoring his surroundings so completely, but then remembered that he wasn't trying to go anywhere in particular. In fact, it looked as if he was deliberately remaining oblivious to the outside world just to see where he'd end up if he didn't know where he was going or what was going on around him.

"I guess. That's what got Ur killed."

"No, Deliora is what got Ur killed," Erza disagreed, her eyes flashing. "Deliora killed your parents and it killed your master too. Yeah, you screwed up, but it was the demon who murdered Ur. You were angry at it before, when it killed your family, but after it killed Ur you turned all of that anger towards yourself instead. It's still Deliora's fault, Gray."

He sighed. "I know that," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "Sometimes the mind knows what the heart cannot understand."

Erza watched him sadly. "And so you still blame yourself."

"Of course," he replied immediately. "My actions still played a key role in her death."

Erza was about to respond, but paused as she noticed their surroundings. Gray might not yet realize where they were going, but she thought that she might know.

Evidently she had waited a beat too long, because Gray added something else. "She came after me, Erza. That's why she died. She died because she chased after me."

He looked at her with haunted eyes, and there was a sort of pointed meaningfulness hidden beneath the raw anguish in his voice. She considered the words, trying to pinpoint what it was that he was trying to tell her. Then she grimaced faintly. Ur had died because she had gone after Gray. No wonder he didn't like it when people came chasing after him.

"I came after you and I'm doing perfectly fine," Erza said quietly. "I'm not going anywhere."

Gray let out a breath and looked at the ground again, lost in his own thoughts. "My parents came for me too, when they realized what was happening the night Deliora destroyed my town. And they died for it too. When the people I care about come after me, they get hurt, Erza."

His tone was wistful and melancholy, but also a touch absent, as if he wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying. Based on the vacant look in his eyes, Erza wouldn't be surprised. And because he wasn't paying attention to his surroundings, he was about to get himself into a lot of trouble.

Erza hurriedly grabbed onto his arm and tugged him backwards a step.

"Huh?" Gray blinked in surprise, jolted out of his thoughts. He stared uncomprehendingly at the water he had been about to fall into, before slowly looking around.

"Sometimes your feet will take you right where you need to go," Erza said with a small smile as she released his arm.

He watched their river for a moment before nodding. "I suppose so."

"But this is only a pit stop," she added. He looked over her and raised an eyebrow in question. "You know that where you really need to go is Fairy Tail."

Gray pursed his lips and returned his gaze to the river. "Perhaps."

Erza sighed. "Look, Gray. This river is where I always came to be alone, but you always came after me and found me here. You're so insistent that we never come for you, but you're always chasing after us to take care of us. Sometimes you have to let us return the favor."

He didn't reply, and they stood in silence for several long minutes. Erza eventually decided to break the stillness. She still needed to convince him to come back to Fairy Tail with her. He had always brought her home when he found her here alone. It was her turn to lead him home this time.

"Why don't you want to see Lyon?" she asked.

Gray glanced over at her and frowned. "It's not so much that I don't want to see Lyon," he replied slowly. "It's more that I don't want him to see me."

Erza frowned in turn, trying to puzzle out the logic behind the statement. "Why?"

He laughed sharply. It was a bitter, unamused sound. "When we talked last time, you wanted to know about forgiveness. You immediately assumed that I was talking about Lyon, and you focused on the ways he wronged me and how I forgave him. But Erza, perhaps it's  _you_ who hasn't been understanding. In my relationship with Lyon  _I'm_ the Jellal, not Lyon. The things Lyon did to me don't hold a candle to the wrong I've done by him."

Erza slowly let out a shuddering breath as she considered that. It was true that she usually thought of what Lyon had done on Galuna Island as the defining instance of betrayal and forgiveness in the relationship between the two ice mages. But she really should have realized that the problem here wasn't only Gray's inability to forgive himself, but also his inability to accept that Lyon could forgive him.

"I don't think that there  _is_ a… _'Jellal'_ in your relationship. You've both screwed up and both forgiven each other. If there's a 'Jellal' in your relationship, it's only because you've created one."

Gray just shook his head and stayed silent.

Erza sighed and tried again. "When you say that you don't want him to see you, it's because you're afraid of what he'll see in your face, isn't it? What is it that you think he'll see when he looks at you?"

Gray stared out at the river pensively for several long seconds before answering. "He'll see the person who brought about the death of his teacher and role model. The person whose actions were the catalyst for his obsession with reviving a demon. The person whose anger and stupidity created a world of heartbreak and pain for everyone involved."

"And what makes you think that that's what he sees?" Erza asked softly.

Gray took a small step forward and peered down into the waters directly before his feet, staring at his distorted reflection.

"Because when I look in the mirror, that's what I see," he answered.

Erza inched up beside him. "Lyon told you that he forgave you, right?"

Gray shrugged and nodded, still watching the water absently. "Do you think that when you forgive Jellal, you'll instantly forget about all the bad things he's done? I told you, you don't just forgive and forget. There would still be times when you looked at Jellal's face and saw the person he had been. It doesn't matter that you forgave him. Unless you can magically forget his mistakes, you'll always be able to see them."

Erza thought about that. "You say that you can see a person's past reflected on their face—that you can see the person they were overlaid on the person they currently are. The person  _you_ see reflected on your face is an angry child whose desperate need for revenge inadvertently caused Ur's death."

She leaned against his shoulder and peered down at the water as well, regarding their wavering reflections standing side by side. "The person  _I_ see reflected on your face is an angry child who could look past his own grief and anger when he found someone else who was hurting. I see the boy who came down to the river to challenge me to a fight and ended up sitting with me while I cried instead. Gray, I see the boy who always chased after me when I thought I didn't want anyone to follow me.

"Who is it that you think Lyon sees in your face? Is it the same child you see? Or is it the child from before—the boy he laughed with and learned magic with and counted as a brother?"

Gray tore his eyes away from their reflection and looked down at her. She stared back. His dark eyes were clouded with pain and grief and indecision.

"He came all the way down here to see you, Gray. This time he was the one who chased you down. Do you think that he would seek you out if he saw a person he hated every time he saw your face?"

"I–I don't know," Gray said hoarsely.

"Exactly," Erza responded with a sad smile. "You won't know until you ask. You once told me that I would never know how much someone understood unless I gave them a chance. Take your own advice. You won't know what he sees in you unless you give him a chance to show you.

"But…I can almost guarantee that if you watch him when he's looking at you, you won't find any sign that he's seeing the same boy you're seeing. Take the time to figure out what he sees when he looks at you, Gray."

Gray swallowed hard and looked away. "Yeah," he said finally. "Alright."

"Are you ready to go back to Fairy Tail then?" Erza asked.

She held her breath as she waited for his response. He didn't answer immediately. His gaze drifted back down to their reflection in the river once more, before he looked back up at her.

"As long as you come with me," he said quietly.

Erza smiled at him, remembering their last exchange by this river.

"Always," she replied.

He smiled back then. It was a sad, wavering smile, but it was grateful as well. Erza hooked her arm around one of his and led him away from the river. He walked alongside her obediently as she headed back to the guild. They walked in silence until the guild hall came into sight.

"Thank you, Erza," Gray whispered as they approached the guild.

She smiled at him sadly. "This is what you always do for me, Gray," she told him. She recalled the promise he had extracted from her last time. "Next time you're hurting or crying, come to us instead of hiding away."

He arched an eyebrow. "I wasn't crying."

She stared back at him, unfazed. "Do you have to be crying to be alone?"

He blinked at her for a second before glancing away. "No, I suppose not," he admitted quietly.

She tightened her grip on his arm and then released it. "You aren't alone as long as you have us. It's okay to rely on us when you need us, and you shouldn't be afraid of us chasing you down when we think we need to."

"Alright," he agreed.

He glanced back down at her and gave her a half-smile. She smiled back, and then pushed open the doors of the guild. They walked in together and were instantly spotted by Lyon and the rest of Team Natsu.

" _That's_ where you went?" Natsu asked incredulously, giving Erza a disbelieving look. Then his gaze shifted to Gray and his eyes softened slightly. "Welcome back, ice block."

Gray nodded in his general direction but didn't look at him. As Erza remained standing by the door, he walked straight over to Lyon. The older mage opened his mouth to say something, but the younger man wasn't listening. Gray stopped directly in front of him and grabbed his chin, tilting his face upwards so that they were staring at each other's faces.

"Huh?" Lyon made a startled noise, his eyes wide as he met Gray's intense gaze.

Erza quietly made her way over to the group and stood near Natsu as she watched the scene play out between the two ice mages. After a few seconds, Gray nodded once and released Lyon. He glanced over at Erza.

"You were right," he said.

She smiled. She wasn't sure what exactly he had seen in Lyon's eyes, but it seemed to have been enough.

"What?" Lyon asked, a confused and completely taken aback look on his face as he stared at his friend in disbelief. Gray's odd behavior had obviously rattled him.

Gray looked back at Lyon and then took a step back so that he wasn't crowding the other mage anymore. He suddenly got a lost, hesitant look on his face, and couldn't seem to quite meet Lyon's eyes again.

"Walk with me?"

Erza wasn't sure if he meant it as a statement or a question, but it came off as a hesitant request.

Lyon blinked at Gray for a moment before nodding. "Of course."

Gray finally met his eyes again, and they seemed to come to some sort of understanding. They both turned and walked out of the guild hall side by side.

Natsu sidled up beside Erza, his eyes fixed on where Gray had just disappeared. "Do you think he'll be alright?" he asked.

Erza considered it. She thought that Gray would keep learning how to forgive himself with the help of his friends. It wasn't like he would just be okay overnight, but that was alright. Forgiveness was, after all, a process. It was a process that they would help him with, and she supposed that her friends would help her as she struggled through that process as well. In time, she thought that they would both learn forgiveness.

"Yeah," she said finally. "I think we'll be just fine."


End file.
